It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.