Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair