The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.