@shamans_heal: The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.
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@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas. We just got it set up. I've never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
@curlycomedy: Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.