@shamans_heal: The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.
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@hurlarious: [INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say? Start whispering something to your spouse.
@SheeeRatchet: Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
@WGladstone: Should have guessed that Brad and Angelina weren't in it for the long haul when neither of them let themselves go.