The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance