Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
o shit
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue