The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.