@iwearaonesie: the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn't look anything like me but she's mine. i can tell
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Summer plans? Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses? Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea
@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
@simoncholland: My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.