the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me if I was a dog
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If a snake ate a cake
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar