The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
This is a bad sign
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.