The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Schrödinger’s cookie
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.