The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.