The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Strangers have the best candy.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?