The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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that wasn’t the question
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Oh deer
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
new wife guy just dropped