The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You Might Also Like
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”