The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Mad Max Arctic Road
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours