@reesespiece_: The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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@loribuckmajor: Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
@Izianikapani: My kids don't drive me to drink. Can't wait until they get their license and they can though.
@QwertyJones3: What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties! WIFE: See what I mean? JUDGE: Yes, I'm going to grant this divorce
@Sassafrantz: What a beautiful day! The sun's shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor's dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn...