The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.