Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment