Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
bugs when you lift up a rock