The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
good work, everybody
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.