@secondofhername: The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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@TheDjinnTrials: Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.
@max_read: i wonder what it's like to be the pizzagate gun guy and discover that your former comrades now believe that you're a crisis actor
@Sean_Burgundy_: [ Skydiving ] Instructor: SIR. You can't just jump out without your equipment on Me: *Shows him text of gf saying "We need to talk"
@ehdannyboy: *phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *strips naked and does running man* Wife - "...."