The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.