@secondofhername: The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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@AmishPornStar1: Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
@SteveSuckington: "Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
@brendohare: Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
@teeaysmith: Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.