The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I think the cat got the dog high.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.