@LuvPug: I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@Ideal_Victoria: [At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@TheAliciaKraft: STEVE: you misspelled my name ME: Oh uh it's a joke LATER, TO STOVE: I'll make you another cake when he leaves

@weinerdog4life: Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

@ClichedOut: HER: hey, do u come here often? ME: all the time HER: do u know if the bartender is single?