The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH