On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Why is this me 😫
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god