So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
You Might Also Like
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon