Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.