I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.