My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
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Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.