You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My love language is deader than Latin