The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You Might Also Like
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
girls literally only want one thing..
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?