The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Seems kinda suspicious
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
All is fair in drunk and war.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
bout dat hot dog summer
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme