@yoyoha: The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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@ConanOBrien: Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@causticbob: I have started a band called Free Beer. When people see our sign 'Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM' I'm sure everyone is going to be there.
@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.