The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.