The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby