I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.