The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match