The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside