[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
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That’s it.I’m out.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.