Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
spicy snake
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My typo game is string.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok