@SufficientCharm: The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
@jlock17: My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
@captainkalvis: Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back