Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
The game has officially changed 😎
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.