The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance