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@aveuaskew: The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
@chapel3929: What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
@Sassafrantz: Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.
@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
@KizerBillhelm: Whatever, Usain Bolt. I've been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
@Naked_Wombat: Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public.
I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you.