@aveuaskew: The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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@jaslakhmna: The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!
@FeralCrone: Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that "the haters" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
@jharden21: Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
@dildointherough: Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.