The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.