[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
#catsoftwitter
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!