Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.