The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
technically true but not a great slogan
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob