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@awkwardphilippe: "I think we should-" Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other's sentences! Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
@k_lli: If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@DangerZoneJunky: I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys...she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning