Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Your secret is safeish with me
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish