The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.