It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.