The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
pictures of spider-man
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane