The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
War & Peace
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.